


What Becomes Of Us

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Arguments in a Toilet, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm Tendencies, M/M, Post-Break Up, Projecting, Suicidal Thoughts, hongjoong is a sad boi, it's a mess lmao just like me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: It isn't easy to get over someone once they've put down their roots in your heart, and for Hongjoong who easily gets emotionally invested, it is more difficult to forget the face of the man who once loved him.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	What Becomes Of Us

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is just me projecting lol its fucking embarrassing but i needed an outlet :] anyway its a mess
> 
> tw // implied self-harm/suicidal tendencies, alcoholism
> 
> joongs just a wreck lmao sorry
> 
> please read the trigger warning and tags and be careful when you read

When it started, it looked promising. Hongjoong thought they could be together for long, and maybe Seonghwa really is the one. They hit it off pretty fast during their first meeting, laughing and having fun, talking about the same things, becoming fast friends during that night their circles decided to merge. 

Hongjoong has no problems getting emotionally invested in a relationship, if anything, he probably gets too emotionally invested in them. Even with his short fling with a friend, even with crushes he had when figuring out himself, Hongjoong was and is never afraid to show his intense emotions, he is and was never afraid to love intensely. He will be there, tugging on their sleeves, telling them everyday he loves them, showing love through languages he understood; giving gifts, touching them if they're comfortable with it, comforting them when they need it. 

Hongjoong has no problems changing himself to fit what his partner wants. When Seonghwa first asked to stop their relationship, Hongjoong agreed. He made demands too, and he understood if Seonghwa felt forced, and he didn't want Seonghwa to feel that way. So he let Seonghwa go, telling himself it's okay, telling himself that he isn't unlovable, telling himself it's all okay, it's going to be okay, even when he cried himself to sleep that night. He was doing fine, he was letting go, he was coping with his studies and composing. 

Then Seonghwa came again, and it became a vicious cycle. A game of push and pull, which only ended with them hurt. Again. Again. And _again_ . And Hongjoong, like the fool he is, _again and again_ , he keeps holding on, on to that last sliver of hope, that _this is it_ , this time, this time it's going to _last_ . Seonghwa gave up and came back again the first time, Hongjoong thought _this is it._ Then he gave up and left him again and Hongjoong is healing and he came back again and Hongjoong let him in, _this is it_ , his mind whispered. 

Then he left again, Hongjoong felt discarded, like a broken toy, and then came back again, and Hongjoong wished, _this is it, please._ But that's what they say, something will always keep coming back, until you learn what you need to learn from it. Seonghwa came again, and Hongjoong loved him, he still does, but he didn't feel the same from the other.

The touches felt empty. 

The words held no weight. 

His actions didn't match his words.

He felt as if Seonghwa barely bothered to look at him.

And how long… how long can someone be treated this way, how many times can someone go through this? Leaping off a cliff, taking a risk, hoping the person who told them to jump would catch them, just to fall hard into the ocean and drown in its waves. Letting go and trusting that person to be there, only to find out no one is there, that person is no longer there, and hit the ground hard and shatter. 

Hongjoong was breaking, his wrist throbbed, offering a way of releasing himself from this, but Hongjoong didn't take it. Instead, he floated to his friends, in that hazy, broken state, seeking comfort, seeking love he was desperate for, something to stop him from catching the glint of the Swiss knife his father gave him, because he's scared of what his mind would make him do, something to stop him from going to the nearest convenience store and buying a fuckton of alcohol to waste himself to death with under the sink.

Hongjoong doesn't know when it took turn for the worse but it did and now here he is, feeling like he's fucking dying, like he needs to claw out his insides to no longer feel the emptiness in him, as he tries to recover himself, tries to convince himself he isn't unlovable, tries to convince himself he means _something_ , just not to Seonghwa.

A brief thought that maybe if he burns himself, a new him will arise from the ashes, but Hongjoong isn't a fucking phoenix, his realistic mind hisses at him and he puts down the lighter, shoving it into the nightstand drawer, where a memento from Seonghwa sits, back when he still loved Hongjoong, but Hongjoong doesn't look, sparing himself the pain. Hongjoong closes his eyes and hopes Sleep fills the void in him enough to keep going. 

\---

"Why does every conversation we have end like _this_?" Seonghwa desperately yells, the booming music from the crowded house seeping into the bathroom Seonghwa pulled him into. 

It's been months, and Hongjoong has lost count. Perhaps it has been a year or so, even, and maybe Hongjoong hasn't fully recovered himself, but he was getting through, he was trudging through the mud. And then they see each other in a stupid college party and Hongjoong almost fucking started wailing when he saw the man amongst the crowd that night, and he falls into the fucking mud. 

He tried to run, he tried to go away, he tried to leave, heading upstairs to get to where Seonghwa can't fucking see him, even if it meant he has to lock himself in a closet for the rest of the night and potentially suffocate himself to death. He doesn't mind fucking dying that way, if it meant he won't have to face Seonghwa, he'd rather die like that than in front of Seonghwa. But Seonghwa caught him, _fuck the man and his long ass legs_ , and now they're here. 

_"Why are you everywhere I go?" Seonghwa had asked him once they were in the bathroom, locking the door behind him._

_"Fuck should I know? If anything,_ you're _everywhere," Hongjoong had retorted._

_"Listen, I don't know if you have some fucking grudge against me, Hongjoong, but—"_

_"Why the hell would I waste my time on something like that? For someone who's been my boyfriend several times, you should fucking know I don't waste my resources like that," Hongjoong snapped back._

_"Fuck, then tell me why do you keep popping up in my life? We fucking ended it, didn't we? Then, why?"_

_"How the hell should I know? How the hell should I know we'd end up going to the same uni? Is it my fucking fault I got a scholarship offering me to study here which will save me a ton of money?"_

_"Hongjoong—"_

_"Listen, I feel as_ suffocated _and as_ trapped _as you are in this situation, okay? I don't want this either, I didn't know it was gonna be like this either! They didn't fucking put there, 'Park Seonghwa is attending the same uni', they didn't fucking tell me that you were gonna be here, I came here thinking this is a good way to pursue my dreams, alright?"_

And Hongjoong had tried to walk past Seonghwa, when the other yelled.

"Why does every conversation we have end like _this_?!" Seonghwa desperately yells, and Hongjoong freezes in his tracks. 

He bites his lip to stop it from quivering, breathes in hoping his voice won't shake as he responds. 

"Because if it goes any other way, there's a chance we'll go back to what we _were_ ," Hongjoong turns. 

Seonghwa is standing there, face tight, hands balled into tight fists.

"Because if it goes well, we might go back to what we were, Seonghwa, and we both _know_ that isn't gonna fucking last, no matter how many times we do it." 

Oh, his eyes are burning now. 

"For _fuck's_ sake, Seonghwa, I'm the idiot here. You've hurt me _three_ times and guess what? I still fucking miss you sometimes and I still think about you, and I _hate_ that I'm this pitiful bastard, okay? I hate I even asked you to stay with me when you tried to break it off at first during our third try, I hate that I looked the other way even though I _knew_ I should have fucking let you go. I _hate_ that the one time I acted upon what I wanted, it went all to fucking _shit_." 

Hongjoong doesn't care that his tears have started to fall. 

"Can't you just let me pass? It's not my fucking fault I came here, alright? Just a few years, you won't see me anymore after that, okay?" Hongjoong plead. "Let's not talk anymore, let's not do this anymore, _please._ The memories you left for me are already enough to make me want to end myself, can you have some mercy? _Please_?"

Seonghwa stares, silent and cold, as Hongjoong hiccups and sobs, trying to get himself together. 

"I'm _sorry_ I'm still here, I'm _sorry_ I'm still in your life, but I swear I don't even _want_ to be here. So _please,_ " Hongjoong cries. 

He isn't even sure what he's pleading for. 

Hongjoong has never been good at figuring out what he wants. 

But right now, he just wants to leave, he just wants to disappear forever. 

Seonghwa still stares on. 

"I'll get out of your way," Hongjoong mutters shakily, and leaves the bathroom, making his way through the crowd of people. 

He shoots a text to San and Yunho, telling them he's going home early, before hailing a cab. The ride home is silent, Hongjoong is thankful the driver doesn't question him and his ugly sniffles, because Hongjoong isn't sure he could handle that. He asks the man to drop him off at the convenience store nearby the apartment he shares with San and Yunho, and walks in, the bored clerk not even bothering to greet him, and Hongjoong doesn't mind it. She shouldn't waste her time on a waste of space like him. 

He grabs three bottles of cheap soju—he doesn't need much to get pissed drunk, he's pretty lightweight—and checks himself out, walking the short distance to the dark apartment with heavy footsteps. Once he's inside, he takes off his clothes and drinks and drinks, until his world spins and he blacks out. 

_Some rest is better than none at all._

Seonghwa's tight face is the last thing he sees before he blacks out, and the tears roll down his cheeks again when he realizes again how difficult it is going to be to get over the other man.

If Yunho and San scold him tomorrow, or if he completely doesn't return to the real world, Hongjoong doesn't care.

**Author's Note:**

> hi i dont rlly expect anything this is me being a mess so like lmaoooo anyway thanks for reading anyway? and thanks for commenting or kudo's if i get any


End file.
